Borough Park's Little Known Dragon Penis...

You know those days when a hunger for food blessed by Hasidic priests calls to you with a burning passion like no other? On those days (possibly Shabbos?), what could be a better destination in satisfying that passion than Borough Park, Brooklyn, located in New York’s beloved District 12? Where else (besides Manhattan and Avenue J) can you find a Kosher Delight, operating since 1979 in serving the finest in Jewish cuisine, also available for catering? Or if you feel like having a kosher New York slice, you can head on down to Amnon’s Kosher Pizza on 13th Avenue. Now I know what you’re thinking: I can’t get enough Jewish food!!!! But surely there is more to Borough Park than the largest concentration of Orthodox Jews outside of Israel. How right you are. For what most people don’t know about Borough Park may THRILL them.

Believe it or not Borough Park is the original stomping ground, the birth place of two brothers who would grow up to form legendary ass ripping metal band—NU PROSTA KAIF! Contrary to popular fan rumor, the identical twin terrors, Dmitry and Lex (center and far left), were not hatched from robot dragon eggs in hell. Of Ukrainian descent, the boys made adolescence their bitch in BORO Park, as referred to by residents, before moving to their latest nest of destruction—East Stroudsburg, PA. There in the Pennsylvanian hills, the boys perfect their PSYCHO-KAIF-netic superpowers while trying to play local shows! They also drink, heavily.
I decided to catch up with THE KAIF’s front man, Dmitry, to ask him what he thought of growing up in Borough Park. I acquired his number easily enough just by asking him. However, I failed to take advantage of the moment when he was in front of me and waited until the next day to contact him. This error would prove to be my undoing.
I texted him the next evening hoping he would be up for it. In reply I got this message: My bad dude I’m passed out and going to the sana maybe tomorrow. To which I replied: Sana? To which he replied: Steam room. To which I then thought: Dmitry of THE KAIF bears his switchblade/machine gun penis at a steam room? Must be why he’s so thin.
The next evening I’m careening in my dad’s Honda Civic, blasting Prodigy, determined to nab the elusive dragon angel, or his twin, with my dog, Levi, sitting side saddle in the front seat. I tried to lure him out to mutual grounds at some bar in Stroudsburg. At 8:36 pm I got this text: Yo I’m already drunk at my friends house I can’t go any were. To which I intrepidly replied: I’ll be there. Except that I got lost looking for this “friends house.” Then, all my woes came to life, and Levi got car sick and yakked all over the front seat. This was when I got a little fed up and conceded to tomorrow night, except that by then I had already given up and realized that my pursuit of this rock god was as amusing as any stupid thing he might say into my borrowed Canon Powershot. HAIL BOROUGH PARK!