No, you can't stand under my umbrella

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New Yorkers clearly need a lesson in umbrella etiquette. All it takes is a single drop of rain for umbrellas to pop up in every direction, creating a multi-colored layer of traffic above everyone’s heads. Sure, they make things drier, but with people and umbrellas alike in all shapes and sizes, the umbrella easily becomes a dangerous creature. You’re going to get poked, prodded, and if the slightest breeze blows by – forget about it. There simply isn’t enough room on the sidewalk for everyone and their umbrella, causing chaos on rainy days.

Just look at a few umbrella offenses: in 1978, Bulgarian dissident writer Georgi Markov was killed when a poison dart filled with ricin disguised in an umbrella shot him in the leg. In January 2002, a 32-year-old man was killed by umbrella after failing to address another man by the proper title in Japan. In June 2004, a 14-year-old boy rammed the tip of an umbrella into an 18-year-old boy’s forehead on a Melbourne tram, killing him. And of course, in February 2007, a bald Britney Spears infamously attacked a paparazzo’s SUV with a green umbrella.

With busy people wielding unruly umbrellas every time it rains, we should all follow a few rules to keep umbrella warfare from happening here in New York:

1. When opening your umbrella, check to make sure no one is in danger of being hit. The little silver buttons on street umbrellas are more powerful than expected – and they hurt.
2. When walking along the street, do the umbrella dance: lower your umbrella when you’re the shortest around; raise it when you’re the tallest. As someone who is only 5’0, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten hit with someone significantly taller than me’s umbrella, simply because they couldn’t bother to raise it when they had the room.
3. When you’re walking along a busy street corner and there isn’t enough space for everyone and their umbrella, pause to let another pedestrian to pass you by. You might be in a hurry, but what were you going to do with those few seconds anyway?
4. Scaffolding presents an issue: up or down? In 2005, the New York Times reported 7 out of 10 people keep their umbrella up under scaffolding, but that doesn’t mean you always should. If it’s fairly empty, feel free to use your umbrella, since water drips down. If it’s packed, keep your umbrella down and out of harm’s way.
5. When carrying a closed umbrella, don’t swing it around – tall umbrellas can easily become a lethal sword. Small umbrellas can easily fit into a purse, pocket or just in your hand, while longer ones should be carried like walking sticks.
6. When indoors, place your wet umbrella on the floor under you; umbrellas aren’t people, so why should they sit on a chair?

If you can’t follow these rules to keep your $3 umbrella under control on the next rainy day, just toss it – after all, it only cost 75 cents to make.